On Schedule
In a long, long while.. I've never had as strong a rethink as to what I should do with my future as I did tonight, driving in pitch black darkness along the North-South Highway. Having enjoyed a good dinner and excellent conversation; I was reminded more and more of my rather spartan existence back in the UK, where my work is my life, and my life is my work. Was this what I wanted to go back to, and was this the way I wanted my future to be?
It sucks that the good things in my life are separated by a distance of a couple thousand miles. Part of me wants to be in Malaysia - my parents are here, people I can actually talk to are here. But the privacy I crave for as far back as I can remember are in England; my freedom to be me is in England; people who make me appreciate my self worth are in England. Why can't I have the best of both worlds? Don't answer that - the question is rhetorical, the answer to which is 'That's the way life goes'.
Two weeks along my vacation and already I'm questioning whether I am able to pull it off for another year worrying about things like the state of my parent's health; or where my dad is waking up on any one morning in this terror-ridden climate we live in today. But having been away and then come home again, I know that coming home is only fun when I know I will leave again; and being home for too long will drive me up the wall.
But being nomadic isn't the way to go.. you leave too many people to ever have a proper relationship; or people end up leaving you. It sucks that I don't even have time to cultivate friendships, because I know I shouldn't even bother, since sooner or later someone will pack their bags and leave, physically more than metaphorically.
*sigh*.. so introspective all of a sudden. Aaah.. maybe it's just the night; the sitting by this window overlooking the sea; the storm starting to rage outside; and the muffled voice of my sister pretending not to talk to her boyfriend from beneath the covers, thinking I can't hear her.
Maybe it's just scheduled melancholy, and nothing more.
It sucks that the good things in my life are separated by a distance of a couple thousand miles. Part of me wants to be in Malaysia - my parents are here, people I can actually talk to are here. But the privacy I crave for as far back as I can remember are in England; my freedom to be me is in England; people who make me appreciate my self worth are in England. Why can't I have the best of both worlds? Don't answer that - the question is rhetorical, the answer to which is 'That's the way life goes'.
Two weeks along my vacation and already I'm questioning whether I am able to pull it off for another year worrying about things like the state of my parent's health; or where my dad is waking up on any one morning in this terror-ridden climate we live in today. But having been away and then come home again, I know that coming home is only fun when I know I will leave again; and being home for too long will drive me up the wall.
But being nomadic isn't the way to go.. you leave too many people to ever have a proper relationship; or people end up leaving you. It sucks that I don't even have time to cultivate friendships, because I know I shouldn't even bother, since sooner or later someone will pack their bags and leave, physically more than metaphorically.
*sigh*.. so introspective all of a sudden. Aaah.. maybe it's just the night; the sitting by this window overlooking the sea; the storm starting to rage outside; and the muffled voice of my sister pretending not to talk to her boyfriend from beneath the covers, thinking I can't hear her.
Maybe it's just scheduled melancholy, and nothing more.
posted by Idlan at 9/19/2004 01:56:00 am
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